LTTLEWYS'S

It’s been a full week and a day since the demise of Morte!! For all of you that always wondered how I got by on so little sleep, I have officially caught up on years and years of any missing sleep.  I’m doing well. And Truly appreciate all the well wishes that are pouring in.  That is the basic, simple update and should satisfy most of you…coz this your official warning, I am about to get into TMI, yup, you will get images in your brain that you will not be able to erase, things are about to be said that can’t be unsaid.  For those of you, that can’t handle, don’t want to know those things (I totally won’t be offended by the way and completely understand) Here is a pretty picture and please be on your way….

Still here? Thank you and aren’t you brave??  The surgery went well, and I went in pretty well informed about the “After” surgery condition I would be in.  Until, I wasn’t.  I thought I would be ok with not showering for 3 whole days, until, I sweated out the minor fever I came home with and my hair was a knarled oily mess of knots and clumps.  *sigh* I could deal with that.  Then I was cleared to take a shower and discovered other problems.  I am left handed.  Morte came out of my left breast.  I have two incisions.  The first being on my breast at one o’clock and the second in my armpit.  The second was to remove lymph nodes to check the cancer hadn’t spread. (It hasn’t, out of all the nodes removed, only one had a smidgeon of cancer).  That incision is the one causing me grief.  It pulls and throbs, it is constantly rubbed by the totally unflattering, binding sports bra that I am forced to wear 24hrs a day.  Taking a shower, required me washing with my right hand, shampooing my hair one-handed and let’s not even discuss my poor attempt at shaving which, resulted in blood, swearing and utter disgust! That will not happen again, EVER.  Also, completely and totally exhausting.  Umm, also, turns out you can not apply deodorant to open wounds.  YEA, H has stopped complaining about not being able to hug me.

The other things, not aware of… Doctors really love tape!! As in ooodles of tape.  Removing said tape when you can’t see it or even what it’s attached, too. GAH!! When the Dr. told me I wouldn’t be able to wear clothes that slipped over my head, it wasn’t coz I couldn’t put them on, it’s coz I couldn’t get them OFF!! A sacrificial tank top was the end result of that little experiment, when I had to have H cut it off.  38 years of using my left hand for everything, means I still automatically reach for everything with my left hand.  *Sigh*  You all will be glad to hear that I am drinking a lot of water, impressive, right?? Except getting up every 10min to pee, not so much fun. And, will someone please explain to me why if I am so hydrated my lips are cracked and bleeding??

At first, I was thankful most of my left armpit and breast were numb, kinda thought it was odd but I went with it, coz that’s how I roll… then feeling started to return in the form of a gazillions needles stabbing at me.  I am rubbed raw and chapped and still numb in certain areas, the fabric rubbing across my nipple brings tears.  There are spasms and sharp shooting pain that tweaks and twinges at me, up and down my left arm.  I won’t know what the end result of how my breast is going to look,  the healing will take awhile, like over a month while. I’m still in a lot of pain.  And, while it is more comfortable to have my bewbs confined, bound and completely restricted 24hrs a day and makes the Girlz look uniform and FLAT, it is annoying.

Monday, all of these little frustrations, tiredness and impatience came to head and escaped.  I became this whiny, cranky and angry little girl complete with stomping feet, I did manage to refrain from throwing things or kicking the cat!! Much thanks to the my poor friends that were the recipients of phone calls of pouring out venting!! I realize, that none of you fault me for this, that it’s to be expected but to be honest, those feelings make me feel ashamed and spoiled.  And, lordy, UNGRATEFUL!!! I am a very lucky girl.  The trifle feelings about how I look, worrying about not being able to shave my legs and seeing people all of the sudden seemed to be the most important thing in the world!! My perspective became skewed and ugly, shadowed by feelings of shame.  Couple that with not being able to get the pain under control and a few other stressers that attacked on Monday…. well, that led to a very bad day, no amount of cookies, coffee or giggles could cure.

Today… I am better. Those things are still present, still annoying and go figure… I am still stubborn, hard-headed and not willing to accept limitations.  However, I have sent the petulant child away, acquired more chocolate and sucked it up!!  I mean, it’s not like, I need to shave my legs, just yet… it’s just a few weeks.  And, umm…about the deodorant, well, there is body spray and I can sit down wind!!

All in all, things are going well, I’m down to one nap a day.  One set of stitches are gone. I have the most amazing friends and I am going day by day.  I am not a hero, my actions are not admirable, I am just me.

This Thursday, I will be hopping slowly, shuffling myself onto a plane to head for Chicago!! Now, before y’all get anything all wadded up, I have been cleared by Dr. Q to travel, with restrictions and have been informed by my good friends that I will be carefully watched that I don’t do anything to much!! Soo, as much as it irks that I will have Keepers, I totally appreciate that they are stepping up and are even willing to risk my ire by keeping me on a tight leash.  The upside, they have promised to deliver all the coffee I want!!

This is not some random whim, this trip will be my first venture attending SOBcon!! Hosted by the irresistible Liz Strauss and the enigmatic Terry St. Marie, this 3day conference aimed at small businesses is bound to be amazing!!

Even though, I had “twitter” met both Liz & Terry, I didn’t really meet meet them until Los Angeles and Blogworld!! Liz stopped what she was doing and immediately had a conversation for me, she seriously said to me, I want to talk to you!! I was totally blown away, we were at a crowded conference, where she was very much in demand, I had no idea she even knew who I was and she really meant it. She wanted to have a conversation, not the usual chitter chatter that happens when you meet.  WOW!! I have always been a huge FanGirl of Liz, I just wanted to introduce myself and mebbe drool a little on her.  That simple conversation has led to the most amazing friendship for which I am truly inspired and challenged with.  Yes, being friends with Liz is challenging.  In a good way.  Terry, the same way…he invited me to email him (we were chatting speakers) and then offered to call me while he was on a business trip, before his day started.  Both, are not only who they are in the “Social” world, they are more!!

So, why am I attending, SOBcon? Honestly, I don’t know. I totally want to go, tons of my IRL friends will be there, many of my online friends are going to be there, smart people are going to be speaking…. so for the first time in 3years, I have no list, no agenda and no purpose.  Strange, right?

I will be working on a special project for Liz. I am uber excited about that, it’s not something I can share at this point but it challenges my Geek Gurl mind and since she had proposed the idea and suggested my part in it, I have been intrigued with it.

If you have never heard of SOBcon, take a look at it, check out the hashtag on twitter, there are going to be some amazing, brilliant in the room this weekend.  Some I already know and some I will be meeting for the first time.  The discussions are going to be fast and furious and brilliant.  There are times when being somewhere even though you don’t know what the outcome will be, what to expect or what possibilities there will be is a good thing.  I am thrilled to be in the room, even if I don’t know why!!

While it seems that I have abruptly made my discovery yesterday, it also, seems that time is dragging, that I should be doing more, that I am getting hung up in a process where I have no say, that I am not doing enough.  This is not the case.  I know this. My personality is that of a doer, make a Plan A and have Plan B waiting, implement said Plan and be done.  This Cancer, is not an Easy Peasy thing.  While I feel this sense of urgency, to rid my body of the poison, there are still steps that must be taken before Morte can be removed.

Why, yes, I have named the invading mass, Morte!! And, no before you ask, I can’t keep it once it’s out, not that I would really want to. I don’t understand why people want to keep things removed from their bodies, they asked me the same thing when I had my wisdom teeth removed.  Umm, NO! These things caused me pain & aggravation, I don’t want them!!

Sooo, Tuesday was the appointment with the Surgeon, Dr. Quack, well… Dr. Q for short.  After having a rather interesting phone conversation with her, I was a little freaked, hence the name.  I do think she is a  smart woman and does know her stuff, yet the name sticks.  I had spoken to her on the phone last week.  And, was able to ask some questions, get freaked by some of her information and become more confused.  I knew from dealing with all Doctors around getting H diagnosed, that sometimes they forget this is your first time at the Rodeo, that they see this every day and they assume things.  I made sure to write things down as she said them, to ask her questions and to tell her STOP when she was going to fast.  And, I “may” have scoffed a bit when she suggested that I might want a mastectomy coz it was the fashionable thing to do, after all that is what all the Stars are doing.  Ummm, HELLZ NO!! I don’t care what anyone else is doing, I want to do what is best for me and only me.  I want you to thoroughly examine my records, discuss options that pertain to my treatment and not tell me what is best for the average person.  Yes, I know I am a statistic, don’t make me feel like one!!

I have to admit, I was fine heading to the appointment, I went by myself.  Then I got there was handed the stacks of paperwork to fill out and broke out into a cold sweat.  All of the sudden, I was there, I was struggling to remember how to spell my name and trying to remember all my medical history.  I turned to twitter. I looked to my friends for virtual hand holding.  They were there.  My phone started buzzing off the hook, tweets, dm’s and texts.  My total bestie, Kelly, even sent me a video.  The giggles that ensued started to relax me, calm me down.

I was prepared for this appointment.  I had my notebook in hand.  Questions all laid out.  Did I have to remove my nail polish? No! Did I get good drugs? Yes.  Could I still go to Chicago in 2 weeks? Probably. Priorities, people, ask the important ones first.  Joking aside, thanks to another amazing friend, I was able to have a conversation with one of the top breast surgeons before my appointment and she (took an hour from her family on a Sunday) gave me the questions to ask and why I was asking them. And ask them I did.

Total clash with the Ginger & PAPER!!

Sooo, the nitty gritty…. I’m special! I kno, y’all know that… yet, even more proof!! With no family history of breast cancer and being under 40 this puts me in a small class.  There are some advantages of this, of course, better survival rate and the cancer isn’t genetic.  Also, more than likely I will just have to take some pills for the next several months to make sure it doesn’t come back.  No radiation and no chemo.  Altho, that could change after I see the two oncologists about 3 weeks from now.  Now for the rub, I am not really well endowed, something that I have been ok with.  I’m not a big girl, I have finally accepted this.  Not that I haven’t given up hope of growing two inches to the glorious height of 5’6″ rather than my meager 5’4 & 1/2… that being said, Morte is rather large and occupying significant space in my left breast.  And is not that perfect round mass, no, more oblong shaped with fingers, like a spider (shudder).  That combined with my size, it was probable heading into Dr. Q’s I would need a mastectomy ( Yea!! New Bewbs) and increased recovery time ( Boo).  I really wanted to avoid that.  Not coz I’m uber attached to my left bewb but coz I want this to be easy, err. easier.  Soo, the good news, Dr. Q thinks she can get it all with just what they call a partial mastectomy.  Now, before you get all teared up…  just know it’s really a lumpectomy but as is the way with the government and smarty-pants doctors there are guidelines and details for how everything is labeled.  My label is Stage 2 (Ohh, an upgrade) breast cancer with a partial mastectomy( They base this on size, not my size, Morte’s size).  I’m not really good with being labeled, so I’m just going with Morte has got to go!!

After hours and hours at Dr. Q’s ( I only had to wear the horrid, clashing pink paper for a little bit), consulting with her, the surgery scheduler lady, my own personal surgery concierge, giving blood and other assorted tests, Surgery will be Monday.  It’s going to be an all day kinda thing. They already told me I couldn’t bring my laptop or my Ipad but I will have some time that I can have my phone to tweet before they put me under.   They have to run some tests and inject some dye before the surgery which is why it’s going to take so looooooong.  Also, I can’t have any coffee, at all, NONE!!

Proof positive I have a heart!!

Soooo, I will be getting a mani/pedi this weekend, I went yesterday and got a new lip gloss and even a new outfit to wear.  New lip gloss always adds a little shimmer to everyone’s day!!  I’m cutting back on the coffee so that I don’t get the raging headache on top of the drug hangover and bewb pain. I have promised Liz to be totally uncomplicated next week so that I get cleared to travel.  My kids are prepped to cater to my every whim or call 911 and I have lots and lots of pain medication.  And, I have the most wonderful amazing friends that love me and will be cheering me on in various ways.  I think I’m set.