I have been putting off this post, well, actually, I’ve written it out a few different times and in a few different ways and it never sounded right, never felt right. I have finally just decided it’s never going to sound or feel right.
I started chemo again, after a very long and complicated break, with much thanks and some amazing wonderful people, I was able to get into the right program (I’m unisured, remember) and start my chemo again. And, damn, if it didn’t just kick my ass and throw me down. It was horrible and tomorrow, I go again. I can’t even tell you how much I am dreading it. Each time, I think I’m ready for the drugs, that I am prepared, I’m not.
Sadly, I wish, the drugs were my only obstacle. The reason, I have not shared or been open. I have been hiding. Hiding my shame, my anger and my bitter disappointment. In myself. Shame, that I’m not coping well with this last round of chemo, anger that my body, the meds are destroying everything. Hiding while I try to figure who I am, what I am doing. Disappointment is a funny thing, it becomes harsher as it’s directed at ourselves and our internal voices perceive it so largely the negative vibes can no longer be shaken off.
I never wanted to be consumed by my treatments, have my health and medical take the drivers seat in my life, yet, that is exactly what happened. I realize that I am lucky, that this won’t last forever… In fact, I have one last treatment of the Red Devil and then I switch treatments and will be done with chemo mid-November!! Woot, rite?
Yes, that is a good thing. Only, I am struggling. Struggling with what the drugs are doing to me, the ironies of the medicine that is supposed to be healing me, is slowly eating away at my mind, stealing what health my body had and is carving into the person that I am and turning me into someone I don’t know. I don’t know who I am anymore.
That is more frightening to me then the Cancer ever was. It’s not about having “Chemo Brain” and forgetting milk at the store or lunch with a friend, it’s not about throwing up in the nearest trash can on 6th Ave or Central Park or in the Subway station ( actually, not as bad as it sounds, NY has lots of trash cans), it’s not even the fact that I “forget”to temper my tongue and speak my mind before I filter it. I struggle with everyday things, with what my body tells me versus what my mind wants to do. I can no longer tell what is the drugs and what is me. I fight with myself constantly, pushing harder and then giving in. Tamping down feelings and temper tantrums, only to have a single outburst over a silly thing and crying jags.
It’s a lot, I’m going through a lot. My mind acknowledges this. My body hates it. I despise it. There is a lot of confusion in my head and a lot of screaming (as one’s inner voice can only do)!! There is no shame in my weakness, yet I am overwhelmed with it. I turn down offers of help, not because I don’t appreciate them but because I don’t know what to do with them, I don’t know how to ask for what I am looking for… I don’t know!! Yea, that’s a lot of I don’t knows coz guess what… I don’t know and that is agonizing for me.
It is no longer enough to talk with my friends, to turn to twitter for amusement and cheering up. I feel myself withdrawing, spending more time in my head and that is not a good thing. I am spinning in this never ending tilt-a-whirl that is full of sickness and confusion.
Now, before, y’all get your knickers in a bunch and start in on me… I have already come to the conclusion that it’s time for help. I’m crazy and while I occasionally do stupid things, I’m not dumb. I, also, know it’s going to take some time to get my groove back and become balanced. That forevermore, my life is changed and change is good. Even though currently, the changes are bleak and dismal.
I don’t know what is going to happen over the next few days, since I have chemo in the morning and I’m ok with that I’m well stocked in Jello and sprite (Both of which, I really, really don’t like) Hmmmm, I wonder if I could find someone to make me some Jello Jigglers maybe that would make it more palatable!!