Week One, The Good, The Ugly and The BAD

It’s been a full week and a day since the demise of Morte!! For all of you that always wondered how I got by on so little sleep, I have officially caught up on years and years of any missing sleep.  I’m doing well. And Truly appreciate all the well wishes that are pouring in.  That is the basic, simple update and should satisfy most of you…coz this your official warning, I am about to get into TMI, yup, you will get images in your brain that you will not be able to erase, things are about to be said that can’t be unsaid.  For those of you, that can’t handle, don’t want to know those things (I totally won’t be offended by the way and completely understand) Here is a pretty picture and please be on your way….

Still here? Thank you and aren’t you brave??  The surgery went well, and I went in pretty well informed about the “After” surgery condition I would be in.  Until, I wasn’t.  I thought I would be ok with not showering for 3 whole days, until, I sweated out the minor fever I came home with and my hair was a knarled oily mess of knots and clumps.  *sigh* I could deal with that.  Then I was cleared to take a shower and discovered other problems.  I am left handed.  Morte came out of my left breast.  I have two incisions.  The first being on my breast at one o’clock and the second in my armpit.  The second was to remove lymph nodes to check the cancer hadn’t spread. (It hasn’t, out of all the nodes removed, only one had a smidgeon of cancer).  That incision is the one causing me grief.  It pulls and throbs, it is constantly rubbed by the totally unflattering, binding sports bra that I am forced to wear 24hrs a day.  Taking a shower, required me washing with my right hand, shampooing my hair one-handed and let’s not even discuss my poor attempt at shaving which, resulted in blood, swearing and utter disgust! That will not happen again, EVER.  Also, completely and totally exhausting.  Umm, also, turns out you can not apply deodorant to open wounds.  YEA, H has stopped complaining about not being able to hug me.

The other things, not aware of… Doctors really love tape!! As in ooodles of tape.  Removing said tape when you can’t see it or even what it’s attached, too. GAH!! When the Dr. told me I wouldn’t be able to wear clothes that slipped over my head, it wasn’t coz I couldn’t put them on, it’s coz I couldn’t get them OFF!! A sacrificial tank top was the end result of that little experiment, when I had to have H cut it off.  38 years of using my left hand for everything, means I still automatically reach for everything with my left hand.  *Sigh*  You all will be glad to hear that I am drinking a lot of water, impressive, right?? Except getting up every 10min to pee, not so much fun. And, will someone please explain to me why if I am so hydrated my lips are cracked and bleeding??

At first, I was thankful most of my left armpit and breast were numb, kinda thought it was odd but I went with it, coz that’s how I roll… then feeling started to return in the form of a gazillions needles stabbing at me.  I am rubbed raw and chapped and still numb in certain areas, the fabric rubbing across my nipple brings tears.  There are spasms and sharp shooting pain that tweaks and twinges at me, up and down my left arm.  I won’t know what the end result of how my breast is going to look,  the healing will take awhile, like over a month while. I’m still in a lot of pain.  And, while it is more comfortable to have my bewbs confined, bound and completely restricted 24hrs a day and makes the Girlz look uniform and FLAT, it is annoying.

Monday, all of these little frustrations, tiredness and impatience came to head and escaped.  I became this whiny, cranky and angry little girl complete with stomping feet, I did manage to refrain from throwing things or kicking the cat!! Much thanks to the my poor friends that were the recipients of phone calls of pouring out venting!! I realize, that none of you fault me for this, that it’s to be expected but to be honest, those feelings make me feel ashamed and spoiled.  And, lordy, UNGRATEFUL!!! I am a very lucky girl.  The trifle feelings about how I look, worrying about not being able to shave my legs and seeing people all of the sudden seemed to be the most important thing in the world!! My perspective became skewed and ugly, shadowed by feelings of shame.  Couple that with not being able to get the pain under control and a few other stressers that attacked on Monday…. well, that led to a very bad day, no amount of cookies, coffee or giggles could cure.

Today… I am better. Those things are still present, still annoying and go figure… I am still stubborn, hard-headed and not willing to accept limitations.  However, I have sent the petulant child away, acquired more chocolate and sucked it up!!  I mean, it’s not like, I need to shave my legs, just yet… it’s just a few weeks.  And, umm…about the deodorant, well, there is body spray and I can sit down wind!!

All in all, things are going well, I’m down to one nap a day.  One set of stitches are gone. I have the most amazing friends and I am going day by day.  I am not a hero, my actions are not admirable, I am just me.


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