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Week One, The Good, The Ugly and The BAD

It’s been a full week and a day since the demise of Morte!! For all of you that always wondered how I got by on so little sleep, I have officially caught up on years and years of any missing sleep.  I’m doing well. And Truly appreciate all the well wishes that are pouring in.  That is the basic, simple update and should satisfy most of you…coz this your official warning, I am about to get into TMI, yup, you will get images in your brain that you will not be able to erase, things are about to be said that can’t be unsaid.  For those of you, that can’t handle, don’t want to know those things (I totally won’t be offended by the way and completely understand) Here is a pretty picture and please be on your way….

Still here? Thank you and aren’t you brave??  The surgery went well, and I went in pretty well informed about the “After” surgery condition I would be in.  Until, I wasn’t.  I thought I would be ok with not showering for 3 whole days, until, I sweated out the minor fever I came home with and my hair was a knarled oily mess of knots and clumps.  *sigh* I could deal with that.  Then I was cleared to take a shower and discovered other problems.  I am left handed.  Morte came out of my left breast.  I have two incisions.  The first being on my breast at one o’clock and the second in my armpit.  The second was to remove lymph nodes to check the cancer hadn’t spread. (It hasn’t, out of all the nodes removed, only one had a smidgeon of cancer).  That incision is the one causing me grief.  It pulls and throbs, it is constantly rubbed by the totally unflattering, binding sports bra that I am forced to wear 24hrs a day.  Taking a shower, required me washing with my right hand, shampooing my hair one-handed and let’s not even discuss my poor attempt at shaving which, resulted in blood, swearing and utter disgust! That will not happen again, EVER.  Also, completely and totally exhausting.  Umm, also, turns out you can not apply deodorant to open wounds.  YEA, H has stopped complaining about not being able to hug me.

The other things, not aware of… Doctors really love tape!! As in ooodles of tape.  Removing said tape when you can’t see it or even what it’s attached, too. GAH!! When the Dr. told me I wouldn’t be able to wear clothes that slipped over my head, it wasn’t coz I couldn’t put them on, it’s coz I couldn’t get them OFF!! A sacrificial tank top was the end result of that little experiment, when I had to have H cut it off.  38 years of using my left hand for everything, means I still automatically reach for everything with my left hand.  *Sigh*  You all will be glad to hear that I am drinking a lot of water, impressive, right?? Except getting up every 10min to pee, not so much fun. And, will someone please explain to me why if I am so hydrated my lips are cracked and bleeding??

At first, I was thankful most of my left armpit and breast were numb, kinda thought it was odd but I went with it, coz that’s how I roll… then feeling started to return in the form of a gazillions needles stabbing at me.  I am rubbed raw and chapped and still numb in certain areas, the fabric rubbing across my nipple brings tears.  There are spasms and sharp shooting pain that tweaks and twinges at me, up and down my left arm.  I won’t know what the end result of how my breast is going to look,  the healing will take awhile, like over a month while. I’m still in a lot of pain.  And, while it is more comfortable to have my bewbs confined, bound and completely restricted 24hrs a day and makes the Girlz look uniform and FLAT, it is annoying.

Monday, all of these little frustrations, tiredness and impatience came to head and escaped.  I became this whiny, cranky and angry little girl complete with stomping feet, I did manage to refrain from throwing things or kicking the cat!! Much thanks to the my poor friends that were the recipients of phone calls of pouring out venting!! I realize, that none of you fault me for this, that it’s to be expected but to be honest, those feelings make me feel ashamed and spoiled.  And, lordy, UNGRATEFUL!!! I am a very lucky girl.  The trifle feelings about how I look, worrying about not being able to shave my legs and seeing people all of the sudden seemed to be the most important thing in the world!! My perspective became skewed and ugly, shadowed by feelings of shame.  Couple that with not being able to get the pain under control and a few other stressers that attacked on Monday…. well, that led to a very bad day, no amount of cookies, coffee or giggles could cure.

Today… I am better. Those things are still present, still annoying and go figure… I am still stubborn, hard-headed and not willing to accept limitations.  However, I have sent the petulant child away, acquired more chocolate and sucked it up!!  I mean, it’s not like, I need to shave my legs, just yet… it’s just a few weeks.  And, umm…about the deodorant, well, there is body spray and I can sit down wind!!

All in all, things are going well, I’m down to one nap a day.  One set of stitches are gone. I have the most amazing friends and I am going day by day.  I am not a hero, my actions are not admirable, I am just me.

28 observations on “Week One, The Good, The Ugly and The BAD
  1. Annie Browne

    Yes, you are just you…but in my book, you’re a hero! Heros are those people that calmly go do things that scare the shit out of the rest of us! That, my lady, makes you a HERO!
    And, bewbs are strange, sensitive beings whose presence often gets taken for granted, but they are also not ones you want to piss off! I can only imagine the pain and agony. Eeeek!
    It’s great to hear that you’re surviving…but I definitely don’t envy your current state! You’re a better woman than I! Hang in there and know we’re all out here cheering you and your bewbs on!!!
    P.S. Shaving the legs is way overrated…

     
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    1. lttlewys

      Lol!! Thank you, Annie… I thought so too, until I couldn’t shave anymore!! It’s all good ;-) Umm, also, in a just a few months, ask me about bewbs(When #BabyBrowne pops)… I have a few tips for you

       
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  2. Laura Good

    Thanks for sharing the gory details Brandie! Seriously. Here’s to more days of feeling like wearing your big girl panties but plenty of “get out of jail free” cards for when you don’t! You are amazing!

     
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  3. Cheri

    While I can’t completely relate to your specific post-surgery woes, I can empathize with them. I had my own set of woes after both of my cancer surgeries last year. Sometimes, you just have to allow yourself a day to feel like a petulant child and then you just dig down deep and crawl back up the hill and continue your battle! Good luck to you on your journey down the cancer highway!

     
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    1. lttlewys

      Thank you!! And thanks for taking the plunge past the picture for me!! I appreciate… it’s all good!! Kinda like rainbows on a rainy day, good with the bad!!

       
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  4. martymankins

    The details remind me of when my mom first found out she had cancer – melanoma actually. And they removed her lymph nodes and the irritation she experienced with certain types of clothing.

    You are a trooper and to go through all of this is a testament to your strength as a human being. You have all of my good vibes for fighting this.

     
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  5. Joseph Ruiz

    This is the stuff of life, thanks for sharing it Brandie. It’s easy enough for the rest of us to kind of gloss over – you had surgery, came all yeah (and that is great) but along with the good result is the reality of recovery reminds me how much I take for granted. I feel ashamed when I think of what I whine about. Takes some courage to tell the real stuff, the stuff that takes the conversation to the next level beyond Hi how are you? fine. You? fine.

    Hope each day brings more comfort and normal (whatever that is) ;-)

     
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  6. Mark Bernhardt

    Brandie, thanks for bravely sharing the ugly and the bad, along with the good. The good news is wonderful to hear (or, in this case, read), and we can rejoice with you at each new victory or milestone.

    But as a community of friends, we need to hear the real story, as much of the whole story as you’ll share. You’ve shared quite well. When we huddle together to support one another, we may lean one way or another, shifting as the burden gets heavier for one or a few at a time. It’s part of your character that makes you feel ungrateful, but you needn’t feel that way. It isn’t about equity, but about community. Lean on us, as you’ve let others lean on you, when needed.

     
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    1. lttlewys

      Thanks, Mark!! I agree, the whole story needs to be told. Even though, everyone sees me on Twitter & posting to FB… Let me tell you it is uber easy to lay in bed and do that from my Ipad, there is more! Thank you for being sooo supportive and you are incredibly brave to read beyond the rainbow!!

       
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  7. Libby Baker Sweiger

    Brandie, you are so full of humor and encourage you are a role model for all of your friends. I went through a vascular surgery in 2010, in which they put a arterial bypass in my stomach and it never occurred to me to share the details of the effects of the surgery on me. I can see now how helpful it is to so many. Especially cancer, which I have never had to battle. You are an amazing woman and I aspire to be more like you in whatever I have to face in life. You are loved. By me and so many. Thanks so much for sharing! Love you, Lib xxxxoooo

     
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  8. Denise

    All of the others have eloquently said what I think and feel! The Good, The Ugly and Bad gives insight and strength to others who are battling cancer. Bravo

     
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  9. Lois Creamer

    Brandie: thanks for sharing the details of your journey with us. Not that you asked for my advice .. but you’re getting it anyway! Be forgiving to yourself. Be gentle on yourself, be patient. It takes weeks for the effects of anesthesia to wear off – hence naps, energy drain etc. All of #usguys admire the humor and grace you have shown these past weeks. The joy if our group is that we journey with you! You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

     
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  10. Lisa

    You are a hero and a cancer survivor, you are entitled to whine, cry and get angry, as you go through this experience !

    I’m thankful the cancer didn’t spread and that you are on the road to recovery. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. xxoo

     
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    1. lttlewys

      Thank you. I’m grateful as well and am incredibly thankful for all the support, especially when everyone tells me I’m not totally crazy!!!!

       
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  11. Jules The Workaholic

    Oh, Sweetheart…

    When I read your post I wanted to laugh. And cry. At the same time. You are whining, disgusted, frustrated, and oh, so blessedly NORMAL!!!!!

    OMG, that you are ranting, venting, raving, and even tempted to kick the cat? Girl, that’s the good normal shit of living. :) And that you are feeling grouchy over not being able to do the “regular left handed” things? That makes me smile so BIG, because you’re not sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, and you have all the feisty and spark that you are supposed to have.

    I would NEVER want to be a disease of yours…You are an ass kicker, darlin’!

    Hang in there, Brandie, you are a tough girl!!!! :)

    xoxo

    Jules

     
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    1. lttlewys

      Thank you so much!!! I’m glad you are able to laugh with me, please don’t cry… I didn’t really kick the cat!! We have come to an understanding, she can nap with me but not bite!!

       
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  12. Monica

    Brandie – holikow are you crazy? of course you’re my hero! Not only have you endured fear of the worst possible kind you are graceful under fire too!!! Thank you for sharing the reality of this dreadful episode soon to be completely over.

    One question – did they give you enough pain killers? I mean, convalescing after this much intrusion in your body is going to hurt….

    We love you. Get better. Period.
    xo
    MONICA

     
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    1. lttlewys

      Monica, you are so wonderful and amazing!! So supportive, thank you!! And, yes, great drugs and plenty of them!! I’m doing really well, still get tired uber easy and a lot!!

       
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    1. lttlewys

      Lol!! Thank you and yes, I know you find it hard to believe…. not really, eh? Hope all is well!!

       
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