I realized something recently; part was a self realization and part enlightenment from a friend. I had been on vacation, my first real vacation in 3 years. I went out of town, I did something for me and I even was a real adult for part of the time, not the mommy person. I also, realized towards the end of that time, that I lost a part of my voice, the part that demands respect, that person that stands straight and exudes self confidence, the little me that says “hey I am here and I am worthy”
This epiphany came to me as I was told that I am teaching my daughter my bad habits!! How is that for a wake up call?? Yup, my best friend just slipped that little gem into a conversation, ohhh so casually, he slapped me with that! I had no response, telling him that I told her not to do what I do just got me that withering look, ya’all know that look. It’s the look that says, “I’m not stupid your not stupid I cant believe that you just said that” It wasn’t enough to tell her not to do something, she is going to see me do it and the reality is she will pick up my habits. My lack of self worth and self respect, the insecurities that I thought I hid so well. I had to show her my strength, show her that I can stand up for myself. I can’t just tell her “hey don’t let people treat you that way” you are a human and you must speak for yourself. I had to show her how that was done. I have to be that person that steps forward and speaks up, not just for her and my son but for myself. I used to be that person.
The last couple of years, I have adopted this unconscious passivity. Not purposely, nor did I really see it happening(well a little, I kinda saw it)….it was passive!! My needs and how people treated me just wasn’t worth the fight. Only it isn’t a fight to be treated with respect, it’s how you treat yourself. Honestly, I think that there were probably times that I didn’t feel I was worthy either, those days that I just wasn’t strong enough. People are going to treat you the way that you treat yourself. They are going to mirror your body language, your attitude and see what you see. I am not going to wonder any longer what people see for that’s irrelevant, but I am concerned with what I see. It is time to stand up, put the steel back in my spine and become.
I must utilize my voice to speak up and speak out. I realize that while my kids aren’t quite old enough, that I must still speak for them occasionally. The reality is not what I say for them but how I speak for them that will resonate with them forever. The best voice that I can give them is my own!