Below is the post I wrote a few days ago and then held onto, rather than publishing right away. I was trying to find some sort of comfort level, some sort of way to deal. I realize, that I can at any time withdraw from the public, to say this is to much and y’all would understand, not only did I not understand what the full extent of what I was going to endure, in turn, I wasn’t able to see what being fully open would be. But, to stop now, would be too easy. And, y’all know, I hardly do things the easy way.
I have come to accept and even embrace my newfound baldness, at least mostly. It did take some time and even some tears!! Many of you have seen pics over the last few days of me out with friends, below find more!!
Today, for the first time, the reality of Cancer has set in. Before, I could ignore it, it wasn’t visible, I could cover the scars, will it away, sleep it away… pretend. Now, I look in the mirror and see the ravages it’s wrecked upon my body, I hear the rattle of multitudes of pills in my purse. I see the stares from people. I am uncomfortable and awkward to be out in public and the public is equally awkward and uncomfortable with me. .
A few days ago…. in two different conversations, I admitted not only the abject terror of going through chemo, and I am a total coward but also, the fact that I am so public about it. In one conversation, a friend asked if my writing about everything was cathertic. My answer “Hellz NO” in fact, it’s gut wrenching, to the point of humilating. To be so open about something so personal, something that not only affects me but my family and friends, is agonizing. I am so incredibly private and to bare everything in this way, to the world leaves me bleeding and gaping after each post, each comment.
I ask myself, every single day. I have started this and it must be done. It is as simple as that.
I did not foresee nor expect, that I would unravel before your eyes, that each post would be tortureous to pull from mind. That how I felt about myself would so completely affect… EVERYTHING! I feel guilty for whining about silly things, that are shallow and vain…. I hate myself for being the worlds biggest bitch to my bestest friends for no reason other than I am. Not that I am a bitch but it would appear that at times I become stark-raving-bitch for no other reason than someone trying to help!!
Y’all are wonderfully supportive and if occasionally it takes me a few days to update you, it’s coz I need some time to adjust, I need to step back, step away. I am taking a moment to try to understand what is me, what is the drugs and what is. I never meant for this cancer to be such a major factor in my life, my day to day, yet at every turn, every step, I feel it and ache with the changes I can see and feel. I didn’t and don’t want to define my life by this and yet, I see that I must. I must acknowledge the impact it is having, see the looks of my children as they watch and see the affects of their lives as well.
The looks of the strangers are just as bad. With some, I see looks of understanding and empathy as they recognize the visible port in my chest, the others just stare. Not unkindly, just awkwardly. Actually, there is a lot of awkward all the way round!! People not knowing what to say, people trying to say the right things and bumbling and even the uncomfortableness of those that don’t know what to say and are wondering in their heads if they even have to say anything!! Yes!! It’s ok to not say a thing, in fact, please let’s not talk about it. I never thought I would say this but I really am sick of talking about my bewbs. I don’t want you to be awkward or uncomfortable, do what feels right for you. If you need to talk about it, then let’s chat, if you see I am fine then leave it… I will warn you, if you are sneezy, coughy or even remotely looking Germy with Ick Cootie bugs, I’m probably not going to hug you!!
Sooo… as I promised, y’all sufficiently entertained me yesterday… here are new pics and will soon be on all my Avi’s across the board
Also, silver lining…. I won’t have to shave my legs all Summer!! That right there is soooo utterly awesome!