Not So Easy, Being Bald!!

Below is the post I wrote a few days ago and then held onto, rather than publishing right away.  I was trying to find some sort of comfort level, some sort of way to deal.  I realize, that I can at any time withdraw from the public, to say this is to much and y’all would understand,  not only did I not understand what the full extent of what I was going to endure, in turn, I wasn’t able to see what being fully open would be.  But, to stop now, would be too easy.  And, y’all know, I hardly do things the easy way.  

I have come to accept and even embrace my newfound baldness, at least mostly.  It did take some time and even some tears!! Many of you have seen pics over the last few days of me out with friends, below find more!!

Today, for the first time, the reality of Cancer has set in.  Before, I could ignore it, it wasn’t visible, I could cover the scars, will it away, sleep it away… pretend.  Now, I look in the mirror and see the ravages it’s wrecked upon my body, I hear the rattle of multitudes of pills in my purse. I see the stares from people. I am uncomfortable and awkward to be out in public and the public is equally awkward and uncomfortable with me.  .

A few days ago…. in two different conversations, I admitted not only the abject terror of going through chemo, and I am a total coward but also, the fact that I am so public about it. In one conversation, a friend asked if my writing about everything was cathertic. My answer “Hellz NO” in fact, it’s gut wrenching, to the point of humilating.  To be so open about something so personal, something that not only affects me but my family and friends, is agonizing.  I am so incredibly private and to bare everything in this way, to the world leaves me bleeding and gaping after each post, each comment.

Soooo, why?

I ask myself, every single day. I have started this and it must be done.  It is as simple as that.

I did not foresee nor expect, that I would unravel before your eyes, that each post would be tortureous to pull from mind.  That how I felt about myself would so completely affect… EVERYTHING! I feel guilty for whining about silly things, that are shallow and vain…. I hate myself for being the worlds biggest bitch to my bestest friends for no reason other than I am.  Not that I am a bitch but it would appear that at times I become stark-raving-bitch for no other reason than someone trying to help!!

Y’all are wonderfully supportive and if occasionally it takes me a few days to update you, it’s coz I need some time to adjust, I need to step back, step away.  I am taking a moment to try to understand what is me, what is the drugs and what is.  I never meant for this cancer to be such a major factor in my life, my day to day, yet at every turn, every step, I feel it and ache with the changes I can see and feel.  I didn’t and don’t want to define my life by this and yet, I see that I must.  I must acknowledge the impact it is having, see the looks of my children as they watch and see the affects of their lives as well.

The looks of the strangers are just as bad.  With some, I see looks of understanding and empathy as they recognize the visible port in my chest, the others just stare.  Not unkindly, just awkwardly.  Actually, there is a lot of awkward all the way round!! People not knowing what to say, people trying to say the right things and bumbling and even the uncomfortableness of those that don’t know what to say and are wondering in their heads if they even have to say anything!! Yes!! It’s ok to not say a thing, in fact, please let’s not talk about it.  I never thought I would say this but I really am sick of talking about my bewbs.  I don’t want you to be awkward or uncomfortable, do what feels right for you.  If you need to talk about it, then let’s chat, if you see I am fine then leave it… I will warn you, if you are sneezy, coughy or even remotely looking Germy with Ick Cootie bugs, I’m probably not going to hug you!!

Sooo… as I promised, y’all sufficiently entertained me yesterday… here are new pics and will soon be on all my Avi’s across the board

Also, silver lining…. I won’t have to shave my legs all Summer!! That right there is soooo utterly awesome!

Out for Coffee!!

 

Workin on my Tan!!
Hanging with the fab Jure!!!

38 Replies to “Not So Easy, Being Bald!!”

  1. I think you’re stunning and I admire your class and dignity.

    How wonderful would it be if we could put our arms around our friends and take away all the bad stuff and negativity? I wish I knew the right words to say under such circumstances, all I can offer is my heart and my support. I’m thinking good, positive thoughts for you. You’ll beat this, I know you will.

    1. Thank you so much, Deb!! You have spoken eloquently and said just the right thing and I am grateful for your friendship!!

    1. Lol!! Danny, your youngin is a heartbreaker and quite debonair in his dope boater hat!! Thanks so much for the support and hopefully will see you in a few weeks 😉

  2. I read this post and looked at you and first of all, want to thank you for bringing us on this journey with you. Second, Brandie, I’m looking at those photos and I swear to you, you are as beautiful as ever. lol I’m actually laughing. I expected to see these photos and be all, “awww poor Brandie” and I don’t feel that at all. You look amazing! I would NEVER be able to pull that kind of beautiful off! And dang, no shaving all summer…what more can I say?

    1. Thank you so much!! Nope, no “Poor Me’s” are allowed!! Well, except occasionally over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s!! Completely thrilled about no shaving… highlight of my Summer!!

  3. My head is so ugly. Not even kidding. It’s all flat on the back, like my mother left me in the crib too long as a baby (which most likely she DID! LOL) – YOU have a stunning skull!! Wow, perfectly shaped – and I agree with Danny, you look amazing. There aren’t words enough to express how much I admire your bravery and honesty. I was very moved by this post – because I’m as vain as the next gal (or vain’er!) and I empathized SO MUCH with you (public stares, etc.). But you made me feel like “hell, if she could deal with it, so could *I* goddammit!!” – and you made me realize how stooopid I am sometimes, being so worried about how I look or wrinkles or whatever. YOU ROCK! And thanks. For just being you.

    1. ROFL!!! Z’omg, I totally think my skull is shaped weird!! And, I’m trying to make it smooth and shiny. That task is harder then I ever knew, I now have tons of respect for men that pull that off!! Also, I am constantly worried about how I look, not stoopid at all, I just try to accept. Also, worry less about strangers and more about what I think. If that fails and I need a boost, I go for the pedicure! Pretty toe-nails alwys make the world rite!! Thank you so much!! You just holler if you need that boost, we will go for mani/pedi’s together 😉

  4. I can only imagine how awkward you must feel. I appreciate your “real-ness” on this topic. So many times I read stories of people who say that the stares don’t bother them and that they’re fine with losing their hair. What is refreshing is to see that you have real emotion about it and all you can really do is embrace that silver lining. I love you and your hairless legs and bald head. I’m going to bring you a new hat for your collection when I get there Aug. 1st. *huggles to my bestie*

    1. Ohhh, your “huggles” are certainly the bestest!! As for the hat thing… I am currently shopping for hats in the Kids department!! Apparently, I have a small head 😉 Who knew?? Tis all good!! Can’t wait to see you, I have a “KellyISalmostHERE” countdown calendar!!!

  5. You are braver than you’ll ever know. Thank you for your post and for being honest with everything. *hugs* You are amazing! With or without hair, your beautiful and fun personality beams through your eyes–there is so much life and expression in them and all I see is you. <3

    1. Thank you, Karen!! I’m thinking I need to get some of those weird contacts that they use for Zombies 😉 That might startle some people, eh??

  6. A lovely bald head, Brandy. And, as we learned from Jonathan’s chemo, there will be other things you don’t have to shave either. 🙂 Totally awesome. The hat you’re wearing is super cute. Thanks for being willing to be so honest!

    1. Bwahahaha!!! I did notice… that was rather surprising and quite funny, I might add!! Thanks, Leslie!!

  7. Brandie…just wanted to tell you that you are brave and strong for being so open, and being out in the open and going about your life, instead of hiding inside. That’s probably why strangers are looking at you; most people have been touched by cancer in their lives…friends, relatives, themselves…but keep it hidden. You just chose to say, “Hey world, here I am, go ahead and look at me!” Must add that you look pretty, with or without hair.

    1. Thank you, Lily!! I agree, there are so many affected and yet, it’s still taboo and awkward to discuss or perhaps even to painful for some. I am hoping to ease all of that, to make it ok to talk about, not be so painful or for people to have to be silenced about it!!

  8. I agree with everyone else. You’re just as beautiful as ever. About being a stark-raving-bitch…..who could fault you for that ? Losing control over your body is not an easy thing to experience. If they’re truly your friends they’ll cut you some slack and give you the understanding and support you need to get through this as best as you can.

    One day the pictures of you being bald and going through this stage of your treatment will serve as a reminder to how much you’ve been through and how far you’ve come.

    I admire you for being so open and honest about how difficult and scary this is to go through.

    Sending you continued prayers and hugs !

    1. Thank you, and no my friends don’t fault me when the Evil Bitch Queen steps up and slaps at them, that is my own guilt and frustration at my lack of control. Lucky for me, I have the bestest best friends in the world and they slap me back then rein me in 😉 No this isn’t an easy experience and I am oddly grateful to be going through it and will someday understand the strength it took and perhaps be able to help others see they have that kind of strength in them as well.

  9. Brandie,

    When I was about 8 or so, my friends mom was diagnosed with cancer. I remember walking in their house one day. my friend greeted me, and we started to enter the living room, where his mom was resting on the couch. We were halfway through the room, when I suddenly, and unexpectedly let out a big *aaachooo!!* My friend’s mom sat up, looked at me, and yelled “John Feskorn, get OUT of my house, NOW!” I turned and ran out the door, went home, and not afraid to admit it, cried my little eyes out. I was so confused, I had no idea what had just happened. Until later that afternoon, when my friend came over and gave me a note from his mom; I no longer have the note, but it went something like this:

    “Dear Cobby, You are a young boy, and I want you to believe that all is good. But for me right now, all is not good. God is testing me, to see how strong my faith is and how strong I can be. Ask your parents why I’ve lost so much weight, and why I wear this scarf around my head. If they haven’t already, they will explain to you about this terrible disease I have. The medication I am taking makes it easy for me to get sick, even sicker than I already am. John, it was not you that I was upset with earlier today. I am upset and frustrated that I can no longer live the life I had, just months ago.”

    Several years ago, my mom’s friend died, not of the cancer she battled for years, but of something unrelated.
    Oh, and you now know my childhood nickname, ‘Cobby’…Feskorn aka corn on the cob, cobby corn 🙂

    Thoughts, Prayers and Hugs for you (cookies too), John ‘Cobby’ Feskorn

    1. Wait, you are sending me cookies??? SWEET!! Also, I pretty much drive everyone nuts with my hand sanitizer!! I have at least 3 bottles in purse at one time and and tissues and I suspiciously eye everyone before I even shake hands!! I am pretty sure that I have driven at least 2 friends completely batty!! The kids totally understand and it’s been easy to explain to people. Altho, I have had to cancel several meets with friends coz they were around sick people, that sucked!! Thank you for sharing your story, it is beautiful!! (BTW, I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to call you Cobby, it’s just soo wrong and so close to Cootie…which actually, I could easily call you. Mebbe, I should just stick with John or ask M what she thinks.)

  10. God Bless You my dear friend…for being exactly who you are and exactly who you are not…You are gorgeous inside and out and frankly quite hot bald…I think I sent you that connection for Sharon Blynn who’s in NYC who started BaldisBeautiful.org or com who after she beat cancer (as an actress/model) felt she needed to stay bald to support women going thru treatment and to say YES you are beautiful. I ache for you but also know you are so strong and amazing and you will get through this b.s.

    Just know I and all love you and support you …
    xoxoxox
    m.

  11. You bet, am saving this post for the rest of my life and will read it whenever am feeling low. Until, always felt my mom was the most graceful person while dealing with cancer, am adding you to that list.

    Hugs and thanks for letting us know how beautiful life is.

  12. Brandie, well it sucks. The end. People are awkward because it sucks, because it’s scary, because it’s happening to someone else and hopefully never to them and it sucks.

    The next time someone looks awkwardly at you, give them that wonderful Brandie smile and look at them with those gorgeous eyes and then we’ll see how brave they are with the awkward.

    fight. Fight. FIGHT!!!! And keep fighting.

    1. Aww, thanks!! Yea.. it sucks 😉 and thank you!! Sorry, it took so long to get back here and tell you how much I appreciate you!!

  13. It’s hard this whole “being vulnerable and true to who you really are” stuff. Especially when you are going through it so openly as you are. I can’t begin to imagine how hard this is for you, but I do hope that every message brings a little bit of comfort and a smile to your face. You are an inspiration xo and who cares about the hair: you are beautiful inside & out and that’s what people see when we look at you.

  14. Stopping by to see what you’re up to. I’ll bring you a stylin’ Montreal chapeau and some hand sanitizer to make sure I’m as germ free as possible when I get to NYC. Can’t wait to see you!

  15. You look simply beautiful! I am so proud of you. You are such an inspiration. God is so going to use every ounce of your suffering, courage and strength to bring people hope.

    We still need to catch up. I am sorry we never got in contact IRL. It has been nutz with a partner split the last few months. Finally getting our ground underneath us!

    Anyway, you are a blessing in our lives. I am praying for your fast recovery.

    Bald does you well…. seriously! xoxo

    1. Thank you and it was soo fantabolous to see you again!! I have a wonderful Sassy pink hat since I’m staying away from the wigs, they itch!!!

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